I was forced into a early shift this morning to come in and write, The Boss says its because he values my life and wants me to have a free afternoon, I, of course, call bullshit. If he cared I'd be paid more to write drama.
It's a, once again gross 85 degrees, albeit it still morning I don't think it will cool down, the sky and more importantly the sun is holding up quite well. Today will be fine for the lovers of the summer, but for normal people they will be in the comfort of an air conditioned room with a giant jug of water by their deskside.
I'm deeply sorry for not posting yesterday, it seems keeping to a daily schedule proves hard for a man with no life, but hey! It seems I've added something of use...that's right! For now on you have a comment box, you can tell me your thoughts, or you can tell me to go kill myself, either way I'm up to hear what you think.
The good news of today is that I've decided to get a job at a local pet store, I hope it pays decent and the only reason I wish to work there is because it seems relatively low stress, which for somebody as...sick as me, I will need. I've been trying for about a month now to get hired again, I find myself hopeless without a job, sure I could say this website is my job, but that's more in the metaphorical, writer's sense, I don't gain any money from this.1
The only thing I do gain from this website is a place to put down all of my feeling and thoughts -- which...speaking of, I am so fucking miserable. I don't like writing down swears often, I do it in my speech a lot because I have a hard time getting my words out of my mouth sometimes and need filler words, I don't naturally talk verbose unless I've thought about a certain subject a lot, it takes a good portion of tries for me to really express my feelings, but I am going to be very out in the open. I wish I was dead, in the corpse sense, the walking animated beast sense, I don't want to deal with the stresses of life and instead just be this...thing you see, a creature you can't make out that is human, but it smells of decay, it smiles at you with too much teeth and walks with limbs swaying about.
I want to be able to self mutaliate without a worry for infection, sure I try my best but the possibility is always there that even with my best efforts, I can still fuck up my arm or face 2 so much that I need medically removal, and good G-D if I have to go to the hospital I think I'll consider suicide again.
My philosophy is if you aren't hurting real people, and you aren't actively endagering yourself in a way that would cause death, then feel free to do as you wish, If you wish to consume substances, then feel free! If you want to shave all of your hair off? I can't stop you! And more importantly to this conversation that I'll have with you all time and time again, if you wish to cut, to bleed to cure that ache of yours, then do it, but be safe about and treat it as if you are a doctor.
I'm rambling, aren't I?
Now, I guess that's it, I have one last thing to add, does anybody else feel the same? I know my ideals seem odd but...I wonder to myself, are there others? Obviously people self harm but like this?
Today's song...